Revelations of 2011

- I don't have to work for corporate assholes anymore.

- I can be happy riding bikes, and not racing them.

- I don't have to be angry anymore.

- I'm usually the fucking problem.

- Having expectations is a defect of character.

- Real friends stand by me at my worst.

- True friends will cross paths in life, over and over again.

- Mountain biking is rad.

- I married my best friend in the world.

- It's ok to fuck up once in a while.

- Gossiping about people is evil.

- Gratitude is a must, especially when I am not feeling it.

- It's ok to feel pain, mentally or physically, cuz it will pass.

- Asking for help when I need it is a necessity.

- Always go big, or go home.

- Intensity is in my nature and always will be.

- I choose my destiny.

- Everything always happens for a reason.

- Everything works out the way it's supposed to.

- Resentments are dangerous.

- Admitting when I am wrong is the right thing to do.

- I am more self centered than I ever imagined.

- Facing fear head-on will make me better in the long run.

- Being of service to others makes me happy.

A week later...

So maybe I hurt some feelings, but I had to separate myself from people who just bring out the hate in me. Fake friends, it's just not workin' for me. Joan Jett got it right.

When you were down they were never there
When you're all alone you really get to learn
If you get back up they gonna come around
All the sycophants they love to make romance
To the ugly sound of 'em tellin' you what you
Wanna hear an' you pretend

'cause they all agree you're supposed to have a better life
But you're feelin' worse
An' they build you up till you fool yourself that you're
Something else an' it's like a curse cause
You can't live up to what they made of you
An' they tell you that you're losin' friends

Losin' friends, losin' friends
Ya got nothin to lose
Ya don't lose when you lose fake friends

Ya go an tell 'em you were king of the hill
When ya need a hand - that was yesterday
Ya see 'em laugh while you're on your knees
An' it breaks your heart 'cause ya gave so much
An' ya can't believe that ya hit the gound an'
Ya notice ya been losin' friends

Losin' friends, losin' friends
Ya got nothin to lose
Ya don't lose when you lose fake friends

It's been better this week. A tad isolated, except for the people I choose to see and speak to. Mostly that has been Dominic, or my peeps in recovery.

Lots of sweat sessions - since Thanksgiving I have only given myself 3 rest days. The goal is to keep it under 5 till after the New Year.

Dominic and I have been working out a ton together. I've been kicking his ass in the gym on the treadmill, and he gets me back with hard core strength training. We swim together. He has this cute little snorkel he uses, and he insists on wearing a swimcap, cuz he thinks it makes him "smokin' fast". Really, he just looks like one of those old men you see in the pool, kind of wading through the water. In the time it takes me to swim 2K (80 laps), he swims about 50 laps. We also ride inside together. I ride the rollers while he rides his fixie on the trainer, and he makes me laugh when he wears arm warmers and knee socks. He'll watch the news while I jam out to my Ipod.

Seriously, I am so lucky to be married to him. He is such a good guy. My best friend for real.

Me and my friend Emily, who has been in my life for almost 30 years, went to a really fucking hot yoga class Sunday night. The room had to have been 115 degrees, and 60+ bodies made it even hotter. It was kind of hard to breathe, especially yoga-type breathing. I was drenched in sweat, like, ringing-out-my-tank-top kind of sweat, after the class.














I've continued to run on various days. Intervals on the treadmill or routes around p-hill. I am contemplating a 14 mile trail run in February, the Frosty 14. I've done it a few times. I always loved those trails. Trails around here are closed due to deer hunting. BOO. I love running in the woods...

I ventured out for an outdoor ride on Friday. I have to pick up my dog's meat out in Harrison so I threw my bike in the car to ride the bike path out there. It was so fucking cold, my face was frozen and I was only wearing knee warmers. I did a 10 mile warm up on the path and then went outside the park to do hill repeats on this monster of a climb, 6xs up. Then a 10 mile cool down and I was froze! And it was 35 degrees outside. I just hate cold weather rides so much.

I've been hitting up 3 meetings a week and keeping in touch with my sponsor, doing the deal. Some days, I feel ok, some days I feel lousy. It's been 10 weeks since my relapse with pills. Not a day goes by that I don't think about using some type of substance, I just don't. Day by day.

For fuck's sake, I did not pause.

*** Updated below 12/14/11 ***

I just got home from work, and I am sitting here thinking about the next workout, which is in an hour. Tuesdays are my double workout day. I remember a time when most days were double workout days, and honestly, I don't know how I did it. Especially working 40 hours a week. Now I think it's this huge accomplishment when I work out twice in one day.

So anyways.

I did intervals on my trainer this morning. I busted out OB's old workouts from last winter to switch shit up when I don't want to ride rollers. Rollers are for tempo rides, usually. I wear a HRM and keep it in the low 160's for an hour to 90 minutes when I ride my rollers.

The trainer workouts go by really fast when I do OB's intervals. I am having a hard time getting my HR really up there though, like I do in a race.

O-well. I may be tired. I have only taken 2 rest days since Thanksgiving, cuz that's how I roll this time of year.

Tonight I will run stairs at Crosley Tower. For an hour, I run up 16 flights of steps 10xs. It feels good when it's over. It is for sure, the most painful workout I do in the winter, but one of the most satisfying.

This is like, week 6 of this routine and I pretty much love it. After my stair workout I grab some food and hit up my Tuesday nite meeting, which I love. I fuckin' love those people, and they love me.

I have been super sad recently. Like, this deep overwhelming sadness in my heart. I know the holidays have a lot to do with it. I don't cry often. I can count on one hand how many times I have actually cried in the last year. It might be 3 or 4 total. Last night, I found myself in tears, at work, having this huge pity party for myself. I was angry. I texted my sponsor, who just kept saying "pause". Cuz I am supposed to "pause when agitated".

I wasn't just agitated. I was fucking pissed. I wanted to eat some fucking pills. I wanted to drink some fucking whiskey. I wanted to tell anyone and everyone to fuck off. I sat at work, waiting to close up for the night and when I got home, I cried some more. And I deleted all the local racers I "friended" on Facebook. This way, I don't have to see your stupid posts about team rides, your lactate threshold test (remember I was banned from getting one last year and I'm still hella mad), your new team kit, your fucking podium, or your next fucking race.

Sound stupid? Put yourself in my goddamn shoes and think about it.




















*** UPDATE ***

I just read the baddest post ever, 30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself. The first one on the list hit home for me:

#1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.

I love my husband.

Tis' the season to get fucked up - Or not.

December hit me with a ton of bricks. It's here. The dreaded holiday season which I abhor so fucking much it ties my stomach up in knots and I can't shit right for an entire month.

The last 4 years I have spent most of the major holidays working from home. My choice. The money was good and it gave me an excuse to not have to be anywhere. The company I worked for didn't have a holiday party for us. I participated as little as possible, showing up to events only when I absolutely had no choice.

This year is different.

This year I work in a coffee shop that serves alcohol. Some nights I sit and stare at the bottles of different liquors I have never tasted.




















Normally I have no issue with alcohol. It's been almost 11 years since I've tasted it. I can walk down the beer aisle of a grocery and not even think twice about it.

For whatever reason, this year I am struggling.

Maybe it's all the talk of holiday parties. My boss has a party for her employees every year. She does it up - case of wine, big ass bottle of booze, food, and I guess last year they ended up at the other business she owns, a bar, where they drank up $500 in booze.

Now, don't get me wrong. I like my job, my co-workers, and my boss. They are all fuckin' cool people to work with/for. But I don't have any desire to hang out while they drink themselves into oblivion. And the cool thing is - I don't have to.

Family - OTOH - I have obligations to them. I have to show up.




















So, this time of year, I do the exact opposite of what everyone else is doing and I ramp up the physical activity. I double up on workouts. I get up at 6am to spin for an hour on the trainer before work, and then run stairs at night. I swim. I run. I hit the weights 2-3xs a week. I get back to doing squats, hamstrings, quads, lunges. I work on my abs. I ride my rollers. I get out for hill repeats if the weather is decent. I even go to Hot Yoga.

It's rare if I take a rest day.




















I basically wear myself out so hard physically, that my brain can't think about the stupid holidays. It's all I know.

And it's only December 7th. It's gonna be a long ass month.

chatter in my head on a 10 mile run

*glad i kept my old running shoes. *i hate family drama. *how do i get corn remover's to stay on? *i hate running. *maybe i'll cut it short. *hot yoga will be fun. *my legs feel good. *i wonder what mark is doing today (running by his house). *good-god girl, be glad you aren't a junkie anymore (running past an obvious prostitute on 8th and state). *fucking cramps, wish i had taken some advil. *what will menopause be like? *i hate this viaduct. *the bike lanes are nice tho. *i'm glad this fence is here or i might fall off. *that water looks nasty. *oh wow, i'm almost downtown. *this church is pretty (picture time).















*why does running always make me have to shit? *what's open? *goddamn, this sucks. *i'm never going to get home if i keep stopping. *ouch, that looks painful (passed a girl with a black eye) *my stomach is killing me. *i wonder if larosa's is open (check the door and its locked) *is there anyplace back here i can crap outside? *i wonder who that is up ahead on bikes in neon rain jackets? *neon colors are ugly. *just make it across the viaduct again. *maybe that bar on 8th and state is open.















*oh, maybe the price hill health clinic is open (hop down into the lot and nope, it's closed). *this totally sucks my stomach hurts so bad. *nothing is open on 8th and state. WOOOOOSH, a half empty beer can whizzes through the air, missing me by 1/2 inch. "MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!!" *can this run get any worse? *i'm gonna have to shit outside (duck behind abandoned house and crapped). *oh fuck, there's a fucking porto-potty (construction on glenway - dash across the street into porto-potty and praisejesus there is toilet paper). *i'm gonna have to buy more tampons. *man, i feel better. *i'm gonna book it up this hill. *amazing how much better i feel. *i love running stronger on the 2nd half of a run. *i hope i see that car that threw the beer can at me. *almost up the hill now. *im almost home. *if i see that car i am gonna jump on the hood of it and fuck shit up. *awesome, it's raining. *home now.