Addiction Timeline - All I did was put down the spoon.

October 1999
Kicked heroin for the last time, in my apartment. I had one glass of wine, once a week, after my shift at Arnolds on Saturday nite. Never more than a glass.

May 2001
New liver DR says no more drinking. NONE. So I stop, not even missing it.

Winter 2002
I started smoking pot per the liver DR's advice to help control side effects from the interferon, a weekly injection kind of like chemo, that was supposed to cure my Hep C. It made my hair fall out, and it didn't cure the Hep C.

During the next 6 years I continued to smoke a little weed before bed every night. I didn't spend much, it wasn't out of control, and I used it as a sleep aid. I certainly didn't smoke it and go hang out with people. Fuck that. I liked it in my own house.

August 2007
Fall in love with Dominic, who used to smoke crack and drink scotch all night, but has been clean for 5+ years. Smokes a bit of weed here and there though.

Together, we smoke a lot of pot.

August 2008
Dominic makes me quit smoking weed. I hate it but I do it because I have signed up for an Ironman.

June 2009
We start smoking weed again after 9 months. My IM training has ramped up so much I am a crazy person and Dominic says I am easier to live with if we smoke weed. I loved coming home after a 7 hour brick to do bong hits during my ice baths (SORRY JEN!).

Oct 2009
We are still smoking weed, I fuck up with pain pills and Dominic has a relapse on alcohol.

Summer 2010
I relapse on pain pills.

NOV 2010
CX season ends abruptly because I can't stop coughing. I start using a vaporizer to smoke weed.

FEB 2011
Over an argument about WEED, we have a HUGE fight, all hell breaks loose. He moved out last week. Told me it was over.

After 5 days, last night I watched Dominic sweat out 4 days of vodka and scotch. His body rejects alcohol in a projectile kind of way. It comes out of every orifice in his body. His liver can't handle it. His face is a tad gray in color. His muscles have shrunk. His whole body hurts.

Not that I was any sort of angel. My DR has finally learned to tell me NO to pills so it is a mother fucker trying to get pills. I am too pussy ass to go downtown. Not that it didn't take me there. Riding around the blocks on my bike, driving around the same blocks in my car, too scared to do anything.

The pain of being without Dominic was not bearable. I contacted a HS friend who is still sucked in the life. She has maintained a heroin habit for 20+ years. Trust fund kid. A friend for life though, she wouldn't hook me up. THANK GOD. I was imagining smoking that shit.

I scrounged up a few pain pills, ate them, didn't feel any better.

Honestly, my feelings about weed are simple. I lived in SF when the whole medical marijuana thing happened. I remember the FIRST dispensary on Market st. I AGREED with it. I saw friends with HIV be able to actually eat solid food instead of drinking some nasty ass Ensure. So, I agree with the medicinal purposes of pot.

I also feel it's helped kept me off the needle for a lot of these years. It fucking sucks, waking up from addiction to that kick in the face reality throws at ya.

Except I know I am an addict. And I see a pattern when I look at the timeline above. I can't have any chemicals. It's pretty fucking simple.

In May I will have a decade off alcohol.
In Oct I had 11 years clean from heroin.

We're on shaky fucking ground.
We both agreed it's time to quit smoking weed.

It sucks.
But, it's the truth.

Learning new things.

I started my new job today. It was awesome! I was hesitant but fuck it, I wanted to at least give it a shot and see if I could deal. I am delivering City Beat which is a pretty cool little liberal magazine. They are always bashing the GOP and they also write up pretty good band reviews. They keep it local and shit. It's been in circulation for a long time.

I showed up at the loading dock at 8am and we loaded the bundles of paper into my little car. My backseat was filled all the way to the top. My front seat was filled too. So people, please do not tell me there is a way to do this on a bike. There is no way or I swear I would. In fact, I applied for a messenger job too but didn't get it.

Anyways, the neighborhood where I was headed was only a couple miles away and I know that area like the back of my hand. It's Clifton. That made it easy. I parked and just walked to each drop off on each street, going back to the car for more papers as needed. I dropped off papers at so many of the old places I used to hang out.

Murphy's Pub. That was a trip. I remember when I lived around the corner and we drank there every night. I think Nirvana played there before they got big (or was that Shorties on Vine?). Joey's Deli on McMillan where Emily used to buy Pilsner Urquell and I would buy cheap red wine and we'd chill at her place down the street, when I was living in that halfway house.

Anyways, Steve, the delivery manager, was shocked when I called him at 11:30am and told him I only had 4 more stops to make. He expected it to take me twice as long. Like CZ told me, it's a new kind of race. Next week I will finish in 3 hours!

I was home by noon, which meant I had time to squeeze in a ride, before I clocked into work at 5pm. I went downtown for some hill repeats up Vine. I decided on 6xs up, alternating standing and seated climbs.

After #4, I was rolling down the hill when my front tire blew.

You know I don't change tires. I know you have told me a thousand times, learn how to fucking change a tube.

So I pulled over, on Vine st hill, right in the middle of the ghetto. I was determined to do this. I yanked out my kit and took the front wheel off. Then got the tube out. I got the new tube in, and pumped up the tire with a mini hand pump. The only thing I forgot was to check the tire for glass before shoving my new tube in. I popped the wheel back on and was so stoked to have changed my 1st flat ever! All within 7 minutes!

** Note, I have only had 3 flats since 2007.

I finished my hill repeats and headed home.

Accomplished a lot today, and it feels good.

random thoughts

i went running in the rain today. just 4 and a half miles. after changing my mind like 6xs, i finally just pulled a cap over my head and headed out. it was a slow, torturous sort of run, and the rain pelted down on me so hard it stung. i rode my bike 6 days last week so i decided it was time to run. my legs haven't forgotten and my thoughts were scattered. i think up some of my best writing when i run. maybe thats why this blog sucks so bad. cuz i don't run anymore. i don't give a shit, really. i was in my head for a while and i got to thinking about all the shit. my panic. my anxiety. my marriage. how we're gonna make it. the world's coming to an end. we're all going to hell. what about the kids? i was panic'd even after the run was over. and then i got a call about a 2nd job. and i interviewed an hour later. i walked away with another source of income but the panic is still there. then a friend comes over at the exact moment bad things are about to happen and we go eat pancakes. and we laugh. and it's still raining tonight and the panic has subsided for a minute.

A fantastic 4 days in a row riding my bikes.

Sunday started off with a great ride with CZ, Chip and Ryan. I rode 50+ miles (post below).

Monday we went to Ray's indoor MTB park in Cleveland to celebrate Valentine's Day. It was a 4 hour drive but so worth it and the best VD ever. We had a blast. We came home with so many bumps and bruises, but nothing too terrible to complain about. Really good times. Dominic and I needed this so bad.














Tuesday I rode with Chip and ended up with just over 40 miles. We had a nice day, but chilly at 35 degrees, and crossing the ferry was windy as fuck. We rode the west side of route 8. I was cold so I tried to keep my pace up. At one point we were going uphill, I motored past Chip as fast as I could w/o standing up. Once he caught up to me at the top he yelled "are you doping!?". It was a great ride. We rode to Covington and parted ways across the bridge, I headed west, he headed east.

Today I went out for an easy recovery ride. It was so warm out! My upper body is so sore from slamming around at Rays MTB. I took my messenger bag with the intent to stop down at the market on the way home for fruit. I rode downtown to Eastern, along the river, to Mt. Lookout, down Erie through Hyde Park sq.














What a fucking mess with all that construction. Hyde Park'ers must be sick. From there I took Madison to Walnut Hills and down Auburn past my old apartment, and down Sycamore hill to Liberty, to Elm, to Findlay Market. I bought about 15lbs of fruit to lug home, up Glenway hill. It was 65 degrees and sunny and I felt like an idiot in shoe warmers and wool knee socks.

Here is a video from VD at Rays. Dominic's 1st jump into the foam pit.



I have an interview for a second job on Tuesday. Until then, I am selling some gear. If you are in need of really nice carbon clip on earo bars, check out my Ebay listing:

BID!BID!BID!

Riding bikes.

Sun.
Warm.
Miles.
Smiles.

Great ride with Ryan, from my house in Price Hill. We rode to CZ's in Eden Park, met up with Chip. Rode to Indian Hill and did some climbing. My legs were listening to me! We rode into the headwind and just pedaled our bikes. The sun was shining down and we saw lots of people riding.

In Mariemont, CZ and Chip headed to Hyde Park and Ryan and I headed downtown via Eastern ave. Someone I didn't know, riding in a group across the street, called out "HEY JUDI" and I waved back.

Once there were two abandoned cats. Now there is one.

Boxy's UTI is finally healing after another round of antibiotics but we lost MoMo. He got sick shortly after Boxy. We gave MoMo the same meds as Boxy but the next day we found him dead. I wish I had taken him to the fucking vet too. I feel terrible that we let Mo down. So now, Boxy is alone in the bike shop and furnace room. We are slowly bringing him around the dogs as he heals up.

Our goal is to have Boxy living upstairs with us, though he's petrified of the dogs. As he should be. Mine, especially. This will be my biggest challenge yet with these dogs.

As far as training goes, for the first time in 9 months, I am without a coach. I wanted to part ways with OB after my LT test was canceled. I pretty much finalized that decision on my trip to Arizona. So far, so good. I am keeping up the same schedule for the most part, except perhaps riding my rollers more. I still wear a HR monitor just because it keeps me in check. I know when I can push myself and when to rest.

My race schedule will be determined by how much money is leftover from paying bills. I got in the Mohican MTB 100, thanks to Gnome and his advertising ways. I'd love to race some of the local MTB races. I am not planning to do any road racing except for two crits, Madiera and HPB at the end of June. 'Cross this year is going to be sporadic, I am NOT going to fry my lungs racing every weekend. I really want to race 'Cross Vegas if we go to Interbike, wouldn't THAT be rad.

Mostly, my goals for the year are to just pedal a lot, race a few, and smile.

NOW GO RIDE BIKES!

I wear my heart on my sleeve.

I saw my therapist this morning.

Some weeks, Dominic and I go together. Marriage is HARD WORK! It's not like we can just walk away now. We have to learn how to work through shit. Both of us are so fucked up in the head, most of the time, when we fight, we just break things and make loud noise. And that's not cool. Therapy helps us learn to communicate with each other.

Other weeks I go alone. I also have my own demons to battle. I have a hard time letting them out and therapy is the only way to purge this stuff from my soul. Brushing it under the rug isn't really helping me any longer. My anxiety and panic is so much worse. I find myself having to take a half a xanex in the morning with my fucking coffee. There's something not quite right about that.

A DC reader/FB friend sent me an email today, discussing buddhism:

the philosophy (politely) laughs at the western tendency to suppress, repress, deny, and push things out of your mind. the point is whatever is in your mind is fine, period. if you're pissed and hurt, that's what you got and you work with it. but you don't try to make it vanish. you make friends with it (your rage, anxiety, depression, anger, worry, etc.) you invite it to tea like an old pal. and you gradually lessen its power that way.

He also made another analogy, regarding dogs who bite out of fear aggression and addicts who lash out. Cesar Milan said "they anticipate that someone is going to hurt them - so they hurt first."

Describes me to tee. I have done this all my life.

I grew up without my Dad and it hurts me more now, as an adult, than it did when I was a kid. That man, who gave me a name, cheated on my Mom and married his mistress and had a kid with her. He was gone by the time I was a year old.

This will fuck a girl up.

I blame my addiction on him.
I blame my issues with men on him.
I blame every fucking bad thing that's every happened to me, on him.

These days when I see my guy friends, who are awesome Dads, it makes my heart melt. I cry for the young girls whose Dad's have fucked them over because I know the heartache they will feel later in life.

Generally, I look at my challenges straight in the face and fight them. Lately though, I seem to be losing that battle.

Fucking shit, the pressures of life can just fucking suck, right?

Revelations in Arizona.

I just got back from my last minute get away to see friends from DrunkCyclist in Phoenix. It was a great trip. My trip report has been posted on DC if you want to check it out.

Right before I left town, I had a huge meltdown (imagine that!). I was doing my taxes on turbotax.com like I do every year. My 401K deductions really fucked my refund up. I mean, lack of refund. As in none - 0.00. I was depending on that money to pay off the last $600.00 I owe on my bike. Dominic is taking on side jobs trying to help get us back on our feet but things are just looking so grim this year.

I got to think about a lot of this while riding in some of the most beautiful places I have ever seen. I had a few revelations.

1. I don't need to race this year. A few races here and there will be ok, but my finances are pretty much fucked without a tax refund coming. I was depending on that money. Racing the Mohican at $160.00 is out. Fuck it. *Someone sponsor me, pay my reg' fee!

2. I like mountain biking. I like it a lot. The trails in Arizona were terrifying. Way more technical than anything I have ever ridden. I loved the fear and can't wait to get back on my MTB.

3. I like to just pedal my bike. As in, NOT TRAIN.

4. I really, really want to move back west. It won't happen as soon as I want it to happen, but it will happen someday.

5. It's ok to be broke dick poor. Hell, maybe we'll take up dumpster diving.