last week, after i crashed, i ate 20 vicodin and a bottle of codeine cough syrup in 4 days.
when i got to the er, in addition to my bleeding knee, i was coughing like i always do after racing CX. coughing like i had been for 10 days. pred, amoxy, nyquil, all did nothing for me.
as i sat waiting on the hospital gurney, my mom showed up. i demanded some of her pain meds. she claimed not to have any. then dominic showed up and i heard her whispering to him about me wanting pain meds.
then the nurse came over with a little cup and said, "here are some vicodin, they will help with the cough too."
dominic was furiously texting with my father-in-law (i love my pops) and my mom was yelling "HOLD ON, SHE'S IN RECOVERY!" and i was grabbing at the cup and saying "it's FINE, i NEED them".
i swallowed them without water.
half hour later the pills were kicking in, goddamn what a tease.
the nurse came in and started numbing my knee up. that's when i had to bite down hard on a water bottle to keep from screaming. she stuck me several times with lidocaine before my knee was numb. then i watched as she sewed me up.
the other nurse came back in and i asked for a script of codeine cough syrup, because as promised, the vicodin had relieved my cough. i was sent home with an rx of naprosyn (strong advil) and an rx of phenergan/codeine cough syrup.
the chemicals in my brain just react. it's like an allergy. the destructive behaviors began all over again.
-manipulation
-anger
-loss of control
-lying
we went to walmart for the scripts. i threw out the naprosyn and grabbed that 150ML bottle of cough syrup like it was a stack of 100 dollar bills.
i got loaded.
i woke up early monday morning, after the numbing meds had worn off, screaming out in pain. at 8am, when my dr's office opened, i called them and told them what happened. it took all day for my dr to call back, but once she did, i easily manipulated her into a few days worth of vicodin (10 pills).
they were gone the next day.
so i went to a meeting.
all i could think about was getting more pain pills.
so i called her for more on wed, and she agreed to give me 10 more.
thur morning i texted my sponsor:
i have to start my clean time over
she took me to a meeting that night.
today i have 6 days sober.
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21 comments:
You are strong shit, Judi. Congratulations on 6 days sober. Keep up the good work.
You can do it Judi. you have before and you will again.
wow. every time you post about this addiction stuff I learn something about the beast and about how strong you want to beat it every day. you're awesome and will continue to kickass.
Starting over is so hard, thanks for the inspiration.
Good job on being completely honest with yourself and your sponsor. Starting over is better than the alternative! Love ya girl. xoxoxo
I follow about thirty cycling blogs and write one myself but it is this one that I come to to get bitch-slapped and woke up. Judi, sober or not, you are one kick-ass motherfucker.
I'm guessing you probably don't feel this way right now, but you are seriously amazing. If I was in your place, I don't know if I could have called myself on this bullshit and got back on track as quickly as you did. You are an inspiration.
maybe instead of avoiding drugs you could avoid crashes? just as hard for you i guess:)
It's so easy just to say fuck it. Good for you for having the strength to keep going and get back on track.
6 days is a long fucking time, judi! I love you, girl! the war is on- every pill is like a soldier, every time you don't take one it's a battle won. for the day :)
I am on Day 3 Judi, we can do this.
Yeah. What Tim Joe said...
Remember EACH day sober is a good day. Six days is fucking great.
Oh God Judi!
I'm rooting for you over here in MA. You got this. Six days and you can keep going. xoxoxxo Love and big big strength, courage and power to you.
Oh yeah, Judi while we are on the subject of addiction I got posted over at Fat Cyclist the other day and now I got a hundred requests for Bill Sauce, the most addicting elixir known to man. And woman. If you e-mail me a hard address I'll send some. Shameless brag: Jacquie's bottle went out about an hour ago.
Judi -- I'm such a "normie" (I dated an NA gal years ago and learned the parlance) that there's no way in hell I could ever personally relate to what you share here. That said, I have nothing but huge vats of respect for you and your honesty. Hang tough, go to meetings and keep it real. Great big hugs --beth
most mofo's hide in shame. not judi. chick's got some big brass ovaries and reports all. if you care or if you know what you're looking at then her stuff is damn near priceless. anyone interested in psych or addiction or just being a decent human being should pay attention.
Thanks for sharing.
Sad to read but it's good you're honest about it. I fell off the booze wagon recently. Day 3 for me.
Keep moving and riding. And you should really reconsider ever racing again. It seems to fuck up your head.
I've read your blog for awhile, finding it linked to another's blog. Thank you so much for sharing your journey--you're so strong and an inspiration.
-Jill
I'm with Tomasz on this one - you don't hide, you own it. All of it. 6 days and counting.
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