Addiction Timeline - All I did was put down the spoon.

October 1999
Kicked heroin for the last time, in my apartment. I had one glass of wine, once a week, after my shift at Arnolds on Saturday nite. Never more than a glass.

May 2001
New liver DR says no more drinking. NONE. So I stop, not even missing it.

Winter 2002
I started smoking pot per the liver DR's advice to help control side effects from the interferon, a weekly injection kind of like chemo, that was supposed to cure my Hep C. It made my hair fall out, and it didn't cure the Hep C.

During the next 6 years I continued to smoke a little weed before bed every night. I didn't spend much, it wasn't out of control, and I used it as a sleep aid. I certainly didn't smoke it and go hang out with people. Fuck that. I liked it in my own house.

August 2007
Fall in love with Dominic, who used to smoke crack and drink scotch all night, but has been clean for 5+ years. Smokes a bit of weed here and there though.

Together, we smoke a lot of pot.

August 2008
Dominic makes me quit smoking weed. I hate it but I do it because I have signed up for an Ironman.

June 2009
We start smoking weed again after 9 months. My IM training has ramped up so much I am a crazy person and Dominic says I am easier to live with if we smoke weed. I loved coming home after a 7 hour brick to do bong hits during my ice baths (SORRY JEN!).

Oct 2009
We are still smoking weed, I fuck up with pain pills and Dominic has a relapse on alcohol.

Summer 2010
I relapse on pain pills.

NOV 2010
CX season ends abruptly because I can't stop coughing. I start using a vaporizer to smoke weed.

FEB 2011
Over an argument about WEED, we have a HUGE fight, all hell breaks loose. He moved out last week. Told me it was over.

After 5 days, last night I watched Dominic sweat out 4 days of vodka and scotch. His body rejects alcohol in a projectile kind of way. It comes out of every orifice in his body. His liver can't handle it. His face is a tad gray in color. His muscles have shrunk. His whole body hurts.

Not that I was any sort of angel. My DR has finally learned to tell me NO to pills so it is a mother fucker trying to get pills. I am too pussy ass to go downtown. Not that it didn't take me there. Riding around the blocks on my bike, driving around the same blocks in my car, too scared to do anything.

The pain of being without Dominic was not bearable. I contacted a HS friend who is still sucked in the life. She has maintained a heroin habit for 20+ years. Trust fund kid. A friend for life though, she wouldn't hook me up. THANK GOD. I was imagining smoking that shit.

I scrounged up a few pain pills, ate them, didn't feel any better.

Honestly, my feelings about weed are simple. I lived in SF when the whole medical marijuana thing happened. I remember the FIRST dispensary on Market st. I AGREED with it. I saw friends with HIV be able to actually eat solid food instead of drinking some nasty ass Ensure. So, I agree with the medicinal purposes of pot.

I also feel it's helped kept me off the needle for a lot of these years. It fucking sucks, waking up from addiction to that kick in the face reality throws at ya.

Except I know I am an addict. And I see a pattern when I look at the timeline above. I can't have any chemicals. It's pretty fucking simple.

In May I will have a decade off alcohol.
In Oct I had 11 years clean from heroin.

We're on shaky fucking ground.
We both agreed it's time to quit smoking weed.

It sucks.
But, it's the truth.