Think good thoughts for her

Remember the girl I went to see in jail a few months ago?

She did 3 months in jail and then they sent her to treatment with a year on the shelf. I've been trying to get in to see her, but I have to be on her "list". Fucking rules of institution.

I just got a text from her Mom.

annie gone left

I feel terrible for her. That dope is a mother fucker. Calling her name.

Whenever she's picked up, she'll have a year do to in Marysville (OH prison for women). If she doesn't OD first.

This is where the Madness comes in......

I didn't name this blog Miles and Madness for nothing.

I think I had one of those out of body experiences today. It wasn't just a meltdown(s), or loss of temper. It was like, I had zero control over my rage and all I wanted to do was BREAK something. Anything.

It started out as a normal morning. I haven't been getting good sleep because our house is like 90 degrees with summer arriving out of nowhere (arm warmers a week ago, sweltering humid heat this week). I got up, fed the dogs and took them to the woods for our half hour walk. Fausto ran off and was gone for about 8-10 minutes. I had a complete panic attack in the woods, screaming his name over and over until I was hoarse. When he finally came back, I was SO exhausted. Mentally, physically. I mean, I was crying, screaming, losing my voice, even Sandi was on her way over to the park to help me find him.

When we got home it was 10am and Dominic was just getting up. It was his day off. He had the news on and was blowing a gasket over the Gulf Coast drama, yelling about the government and getting himself all worked up. He cooked me some breakfast (first time in weeks) and then we kind of got in an argument because I wanted to know what his schedule was for the day and he wouldn't stop watching tv. So I came in my office to eat my breakfast and look at my workout for the day. OB sends it to me in an excel file and it takes about 5 minutes for that fucker to load. Dominic comes in and just TURNS MY COMPUTER OFF.

I blew up. We had an all out screaming match and I went in the kitchen and took the stainless steel dish holder and slammed it on the counter 3 times. BAM BAM BAM! The dogs all ran to their safe spots. I was no longer in control of my anger. I was gone, out of my head, not even in my body, not in control. I wanted to break something bad. Smash something. It was scary.

My x called me "rage". Srsly, that was my nickname. I lived with that guy for 9 years. He always said I was never the same after taking a drug called Interferon for my Hep C, long ago in 2002. He said my anger issues got worse after injecting that crap in my body for 6 months.

After my freak out, I broke down in tears. Dominic apologized and we talked and I cried some more. The day was ruined. The rage I had inside me scared me so bad. I worry where it will take me. My meltdowns are becoming more and more common and it's scary.

To make the morning even worse, when Dominic was taking my aero bars off my bike (did the TT last night), he found a crack in my carbon handlebars. He would not allow me to ride the bike with the cracked bars. I was like "fuck you, i am riding that bike", and he actually stood in front of the door and would not let me leave.

Since his carbon frame cracked last week, his bike is in pieces. In just 20 minutes, he had his bars and shifters on my bike (dura ace shifters are pretty sweet). He told me to just get out and ride. I was still crying.

Riding made me feel a bit better but my mountain of problems stayed on my mind. Even during hill stomps in Mount Adams.

I still get angry

I still get sad
And the losers still drive me mad
And I wonder
If I have anything to say anymore
Oh yeah I wonder if i have anything to say
Except the masses are asses
They're all asses

Things still piss me off
And things still make me cry
Poetry's in motion but not in mind
Poetry's in motion but not in my mind
Poetic justice will come in time
And I just have to laugh
I just have to laugh
Because the masses are asses
We're all asses
Masses are asses every day
Masses are asses in every way
Woo woo

L7 - Masses are Asses (go listen)

St. Leon Spring Finale - Picture Edition

Kenda teammates, Krystal (didn't race), and Chrissy.



20 women started up.






18 mile course - 2 laps - gravely, sandy, bunny hops required in several spots....I lost the lead girls. I just cannot fucking hang on. Came in like 9th of 11 or 12.



Me, Carrie, Gerry and Katherine discuss details of the race after.



Me and Carrie.



Hanging out with the ladies I raced with all spring. More and more women are racing and it's so rad.



Poor Dominic fell asleep. He worked 14 hours the day before. He still manages to get up with me, make the hour long drive, work on my bike while I work registration....love you baby.



Made some great racing friends. Here we are with Dave, who handed out prizes for the spring series finale. I was #9 in my cat so I won 5 bucks. Not bad for only racing 4 out of 8 races.



Goals accomplished:
1. had fun.
2. no crashing.
3. did not dfl.

Following a schedule....

This week I have been much better following OB's workouts.

Monday was a rest day off the bike and I ran dogs and lifted weights.

Tuesday I had a 3 hour ride on the schedule with intervals. I have never done intervals outside on my bike. I rode over to route 8 and got in a good warm up. I started the first set of 6x3 minute efforts (using a new HRM too). I felt pretty good. The efforts felt hard but not too hard. I love the feeling of lactic acid filling my quads. The next set of intervals were 2x10 minute efforts which felt really good and made the ride go by super fast. I didn't even think about how boring route 8 is.

That night I went down to the Tuesday nite TT and helped with timing. That was pretty fun. I met a Kenda teammate who lives just 5 miles from me! Dominic brought his flatland bike and put on a show for the kids in the neighborhood where the TT starts. It was fun NOT riding the TT and just hanging out.

Wednesday I had a 2 hour ride on the schedule with some intervals again. Dominic went with me. I put in a hard effort sprinting across the 8th st. viaduct wondering if Dominic could keep up. He did, and we made a couple of stops downtown, in which he told me I was kicking his ass. Never in the almost 3 years we have been together has he told me I was kicking his ass. HA!

We crossed the bridge into NKY and decided to make the long slow climb into Devou Park. Once near the top, Dominic heard a "PING! PING!". We rode into the parking lot and he flipped the bike over and bam! Carbon frame was fucking CRACKED. Too dangerous to even ride the 10 miles home. Once again, I had to ride home, get the car, and go pick him up. We were both raging pissed about the bike, and bummed the awesome ride we were having had to come to an end.

I will say this - My LBS fucking rocks. All I had to do was text Wanda that he cracked his frame and my phone was ringing within 2 minutes. She said "bring it up". They are sending it to our most awesome Fuji rep - Dean - who will make things right. We love you Ron and Wanda.

Thursday was an easy recovery spin and today was a rest day. Tomorrow is another OB trainer workout and Sunday is the last race of the spring series. I am looking forward to it. I have a Kenda teammate to race with, one I haven't met yet. These Kenda girls just keep popping up all over the place!

Here is a video of the 1st hill climb from our race last weekend. This is the women, who they said were faster than the cat 5 mean, haha.

Bond Road Race Report

I worked registration in exchange for free entry to the race. I got there at 9:30am. I mostly just stood around chit chatting and going to the bathroom a lot. Lots of nervous energy. OB was the 1st one to register and I had no idea who he was without his kit and helmet on. We all had a good laugh about that. I left a little after 11am to get ready to race.

There was a lot of socializing going on with the other girls pre-race, which was way fun. I like most of these girls a lot - Blaire, Anne, Gerry, Mary, Gina (new girl), Malissa. We're all on like 5 different teams.

Anne, Gerry, and Blaire


Photo by Jeff


There were 16 women lined up. I am kind of used to this now. It is fun standing around waiting for our turn to go, just chitchatting. Dominic always stands on the sidelines and takes pictures at the start. He blows kisses at me and hollers "love you baby".

Quite a few teams make for colorful kits




The start and finish were 5 miles apart. We all stayed in a pack for the 1st 5 miles. Once we hit this hill (Bond rd) we all split up. It started even further down and went up, up, and up some more. It was a sucky ass climb.

We had to climb that damn hill 5xs.


Once at the top I was alone. I rode alone the entire race. I chased a 1/2/3 that was just ahead of me, in a McDonalds kit. The course marshals said the other girls were about 2 minutes ahead of me. I just could not keep up with those girls!

OB passed me twice. The 2nd time was on the hill and he yelled out "you look great judi, great form", totally rad to hear from one of the lead 1/2/3's. I like chattin' it up with the guys when they're passing.



I finally caught the McDonald's girl on the last climb and we rolled in together. She looked at me and said "this i gonna be my idontgiveafuck" sprint" and we both laughed and just rode in, happy to be done.



Since the start was 5 miles from the finish, we all rode back together. Anne and I talked about how cool it was all of us racing and riding together. I told her how much I was over the "team" thing. I get it now. I don't need a team. If I can ride with these girls and we can all be friends, that's what matters to me. The team thing is lame. Fuck it.

I think I came in 7th out of 9 or something. Results will be up tomorrow.

I hung out with OB for a bit after the race. That was fun. He is a good guy and such a strong rider. This is Malissa, OB and myself. He's Malissa's coach as well.

Share your phone pics

Here's what ya do. Post the 5 latest pictures from your phone that you DID NOT post to Facebook. Play along if you want. I just made this up cuz I don't have much to say.

This is my Chipolte burrito. I took this picture and sent it to Sandi. She loves Chipolte too. I don't really like it all that much but I'll eat it.



I take the dogs for a walk in the woods just about every morning. Fausto rolls in deer shit everytime we go. Deer shit is the most foul of all the types of animal shit I have come across. More foul than cat shit, and cat shit is pretty fucking foul.



I took this picture the other morning, coming across the 8th street viaduct. SOOO happy I don't have to make this drive into an office anymore! I made this drive for 7 years and I THANK GOD for my current job!



I might have sent this to FB but I don't think so. This is Dominic and I at LJS.



I took this right after I mowed. I sent it to Jeni because she had come by a few days before and the yard was a wreck. I wanted her to know that yes, I do mow my yard. I also sent this to Cindy in CA cuz we were talking on the phone when I was cleaning up the grass.



Have a great weekend.

Training with a coach

I emailed OB this morning. I have fucked up all of his hard work by not doing what he had planned out for me. Last week went fine, as I was recovering from the "12" hour. Easier stuff. This week I fucked it up by not doing a 3 hour ride on Sunday. Why, you ask, did I not get my ride in?

1. I am sick of riding my road bike longer than 2 hours.
2. I want to ride trails when I can. They seem to be closed 90% of the time so I have to ride them when I can!
3. It was Mother's day and we got a late start.
4. I wanted a fun ride with Dominic. Fun rides are just as important to me as training rides.

And I didn't bother to tell OB. I just went to the trails with Dominic, had some fun for an hour and a half and went about my way.

So then when Monday came around, and OB emails me to see how my legs are, I kind of avoided him. It was supposed to be a rest day, I disn't feel justified in resting since I took a fun ride the day before. So I rode the course for this weekend's race with some of the girls I race with.





We got lost, as you can see. This course is known for a steep grade % hill with an evil switchback and a scaryasfuck descent with a sharp right turn at the bottom. We rode the course backwards and ended up climbing the wrong hill. We climbed the descent, which was a monster of a mother fucking hill that never ended. My legs were on fire at the top and my thoughts were I am out. I cannot climb that fucker 5xs. I even lost the group for a good 5 miles. We hooked back up at a stop sign when we found out we were lost. Once we figured out what went wrong, we rode the course again, the right way. I feel much better about the hill and am not dropping out of this week's race. It was a fun ride. I rode with 4 girls from 4 different teams and on Sunday we're going to line up together and race. It's so cool.

So today OB had hill repeats on the schedule, which, after last night's hills, I wasn't looking forward to. He emailed me back that it was all cool, and if I wanted to change my schedule, to just text him. How cool.

So, the workout was 6x 5 minute hill repeats, alternating between standing and sitting. He told me to keep my HR at 145ish during the seated climbs and 165ish on the standing climbs. I chose Glenway hill. It's tough, long, and a steep enough grade to be very challenging, yet I am accustomed to this hill since I have to climb it to get home everytime I ride.

I rode about 10 miles around downtown to warm up. Then I headed back to 8th and State where the steepest part of the hill is. I decided to start from there and time myself 5 minutes up and then turn around. The hill goes on for another mile or so after that. The first one, my HR spiked to 186 or so. I texted OB and he told me to try and keep my HR in the correct zone. The second hill repeat I was standing the whole time and the fucking HRM went to zero like it does when I really go HARD. It's a POS HRM anyways. The third one I don't think it was working again. The last two it spiked to 180's and then for a split second it went to 236.

I fucking hate that HRM and all these numbers and shit. How the fuck am I supposed to control my HR on a hill like that? Standing, in my drops, hips up, using all butt and gluts to push down hard on the pedals....so after a few texts OB just said he'd call me in the AM, but he's texting me now to see how my legs feel. He is the coolest fucking coach.

Have a great week.

Tribute to my Mom

One time about 14 years ago, I did a bad batch of dope and ended up puking for 20+ hours, outside this chicks window, that I was staying with. I don't really remember much but I ended up at SF General. I was admitted and left in a room. I was out of it, going through some dope sickness and benzodiazapine withdrawal, real trippy shit. The next thing I know I am being put in a tunnel and the doctors are asking me questions and I never did remember anything after that.

I woke up to my Mom's voice. She was talking to my sister. It was 3 days later. I was "trached" and had a breathing machine hooked up to me. I was in ICU. They pulled the tube from my throat and was awake. Breathing on my own.

My Mom had flown in overnight (digging deeper into debt). The doctors called her the night before and said "we don't think she's going to make it through the night". I had been in a coma. My Mom stayed a couple days, until I was out of the woods for sure.

I stayed in ICU for 7 days total and was then moved to a regular room for 7 more days, still pissing through a tube. I made them wheel me out for smoke breaks. My boyfriend brought me dope that we injected right into my IV line. I had to crap in a pan.

They never did find out what caused it, just "infection". At the time there was lots of bad dope going around.

And every night I called my Mom, begging her to help me get clean.

This was probably one of the worst situations I put her through in all the years of my heroin abuse.

Can you possibly imagine? My poor Mom, getting a call at 5pm that I was in a coma and about to die. She probably had to scramble for enough money on a credit card for the expensive plane ticket across the country. Luckily my sister was in LA and she flew up to help her.

These sorts of stories haunt me. I am crying sitting here reliving it. The guilt and the misery I put her through.

The last 10 years I have been struggling to pay her back. To be there for her. To help her aging process go a bit more smoothly.

To my Mom:

I love you. I am sorry for all the bad stuff I put you through. You are the toughest lady I know. I get all my strength from you.

Love,
Judith

2005


2010

Bag it?

I am having a lot of fun posting over on Drunk Cyclist. I am getting to know the other writers and having fun with them. The comments are hilarious.

I am starting to find out that it's hard coming up with content for both blogs. I won't cross post. I always thought that was lame. I will link to my posts from there to here but that's about it. I don't even like posting the same pictures.

I know there are readers here. I had 456 page loads on Monday. My returning readers have doubled since I started writing for DC. Over 11K have viewed my profile. WTF? Stalkers.

What do you all think? Should I bag this blog and just write over on DC? Or should I continue to try and come up with posts for both blogs?

Jonny from DC tells me he thinks I can figure it out:

"I understand the difficulty in trying to carry more than one web presence.......I think you're blog is a good thing. And, writing on DC will bring traffic to your personal site. As for coming up with content for both that is interesting yet not identical - I don't know how to do it myself. But, I would think you could balance the two somehow."

Collection of thoughts.

I am just trying to collect my thoughts on this beautiful Tuesday morning. The sun is shining and it's going to be a beautiful day. I think I'll head outside in a few to work in the yard. And on my tan lines which look ridiculous.



I don't really want to think about the "12 hour" anymore. I am ready to put it behind me and move on. It was a horrible day and I can't do anything about it now. It's done. Finito. It just sucks because I usually have the BEST time at all of my events. Ask anyone who's seen me race. I smile and have fun! That 12 hour was NOT fun. I had high hopes for that day.

The Ironman was a MUCH better day so I have that to look forward to in 2011. Yes I am definitely doing IMKY in 2011. IM also has a foundation that will match all the donations I can raise for NCDR so I will make them double the money next year.

Claire left yesterday at 4am. I got up to help her load the car. She is such a fun girl. We had a good time on Sunday just chillin' out, eating, talking. She made an interesting observation hanging out with me and Dominic. "It's clear who wears the pants in this family". Haha.

Claire is cool. We have been blogger friends for about 2 years now. I have told her some of my darkest secrets from my past. She is going to help me write my book someday. She is an amazing person and I am glad we're friends. I am so proud of her for thrashing that record and winning the 12 hour.

Last night I swam for the first time in 4 months. That water felt delicious. I mean that too, in every sense of the word. My arms flowed through the water easily. I swam until 3K was done which took 1:10 (with a few lane change interruptions). My arms were a little tired but not too much. I love to swim and I have missed it SO much!

The Cleve's TT starts tonight but my legs aren't even close to being ready for some TT action. Maybe next week. Dominic and I are going to take the fixies out for an easy ride. OB said to get in an easy 1.5 - 2 hours tonight and I get the rest of my schedule tomorrow.

Have a great week everyone!

Calvin's Challenge 12 Hour bike race

Riding for Rescue

Total amount raised $2199.00
THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH!

Dominic and I headed up to Springfield and met Claire (she's my secret lesbian girlf via blog world). We've gotten to be good friends through blogging, email and texting and I always wanted to meet her. As soon as I hugged her in the hotel, it was just like we had known each other forever. That happens with blog friends sometimes.

Anyways, we had some pizza and went back to our hotels. Dominic and I played video games at the Holidome until 10pm and then we went to sleep.

The next morning I drank water, had a banana and some oatmeal. The forecast was making me sick. Heavy rain, torrential down pours expected all day. They expected 7 fucking inches total for the weekend.

So I puked up all my calories in the parking lot while Dominic loaded our bikes.

I got to the race site and found Claire.



There were ALL kinds of bikes. Tandems, recumbent, you name it, they had a category for it. Check out the yellow thing. It was a recumbent and he was totally covered. Claire thought he looked like a sperm cell.





Onto the race itself. As soon as I started pedaling we were headed into what seemed like tornado like winds. The first loop went by pretty fast. Each loop was 51 miles. The course was SO boring with nothing but cornfields and horse manure smells and FLAT BORING country roads. I was pedaling hardly 14mph into the winds with pelting rain on my face. All of me was drenched. Then I came up on the 1st checkpoint where I stopped to pee and eat a little. The second part of the 1st loop flew by, even in the rain. I came back into the checkpoint where my cooler was. Grabbed some more liquids, and then rode over to the car where Dominic was. I had a HUGE hissy fit and told him how sucky the conditions were. I had a meltdown and wanted to quit so bad.

I have NEVER wanted to quit a race. I was wet, cold, shivering, PISSED. So I changed socks and took Dominics full fingered gloves and took off for loop #2. Horrible wind. Legs wouldn't pedal. I was mad at the world. I begged for God to make it stop raining. And then it stopped. I caught up to a guy who was riding on a flat. He had gone through 2 tubes and we had 10 miles to finish the loop. I wanted to give him my tube so bad but he said, "no go on...". Man I felt bad for him.

Came in after loop #2 and did not see Dominic. I decided not to go back to the car and instead I stayed with the cooler, peed in the portopotty and then rubbed Ben Gay all over my back. More butt cream too. Then as I was finishing up a Muscle Milk, a guy walks up, says he reads my blog, and lo and behold it's Big Daddy Diesel. I gave him a hug, we chatted, and off I went for loop #3.

This was the worst I have ever felt on a bike. Just a continuous miserable feeling, hardly able to pedal through the wind. I cried a little and cussed out loud a lot. I stopped a lot. One stop I took off my shoes my feet were hurting so badly. Had to rub on my feet, right there on the side of the road. Then I missed a turn and ended up in a small town that I KNEW was off course. I stopped a cop who started to tell me the easiest way to get back to the starting line (a local HS). I decided to back track and find the correct course marking. I found my way and ended up about 6 miles off course. Which is a lot when you are at 150 miles.

I rode with a few guys who were on their 4th loop and I drafted a bunch but then the wind came again and they were gone and I was alone with my miserable self and my negative thoughts and my pity party was coming on. My legs were screaming. NO MORE! I did NOT want to pedal ONE more moment.

I got back into the check point after loop #3 and just put my hands in my handlebars and started crying. I had 158 miles. It was only 6:30pm. I had been riding 11 hours. I should have kept riding for another hour (they had a 7 mile loop you could keep riding till the very end). But I didn't. I asked the RD if it would be a DNF and he said "no you got credit for your mileage".

Dominic had gotten pissed at me for not checking in with him after the 2nd loop, so when I walked back to the car he was pissed. I was bawling my eyes out for quitting an hour early. I freaked out, kicked his car with my bare foot, dented it, we had a HUGE dramatic fight in the parking lot. He took off - IN THE CAR. I walked back to meet Claire because she was still riding.

I sat on the sidewalk and bawled my eyes out and Dominic eventually came back (because if he didn't I told him to move the fuck out).



Claire won something so we waited around for results and podium stuff. Claire got 1st in her a/g and broke the record for her a/g with 217 miles. +++ UPDATE Claire was the overall female winner with 218 miles.

Then they announced women 35-39 and I got 3rd. This is the only time I smiled the entire sucky day and look I am the only one with my arms raised. Results posted later today. I would be willing to bet there were only 3-4 woman in my a/g. So that podium shot isn't for real, you know what I mean?





I cried all the way home and it was just a shitty day all around. I am sooooo glad it's over.

Now Claire is here for the weekend and we're refueling with all kinds of good foods. And we're having fun.