Disease of the mind, body and spirit.

Addiction.–nountrauma

noun-

the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.

I started going to the gym in 1998. I went with my then boyfriend, who was new in my life (and would be in my life for the next 9 years). He liked to lift weights, so I'd go and soak in the sauna. I was still detoxing from methadone and my legs ached all the time. The sauna was a nice solution. Then I ventured into the pool for a few laps of just playing around.

Later after the opiates were out of my system, I ventured upstairs and tried the machines out. The PreCor. Once I felt that release of endorphins, it was so on.

Within a few months I was doing step aerobics and kick boxing. A new obsession hit.

Basically what happened here is, I switched addictions.

Some people put down the bottle/pipe/needle and pick up a fork. I picked up a pair of running shoes instead and headed to the gym. It kept me focused and disciplined. I had OCD all over again.

Then I watched Permanent Midnight. It's a true story about the writer of that show ALF. Remember that show in the 80's? The writer was a flat out heroin addict/health nut/runner freak. I relapsed after seeing that movie. It was the summer of 99 and I was strung out, and working out.

TWO addictions. I HAD to get well and I HAD to get that 3 mile run in. INSANITY! One time I actually shot dope in the bathroom of Bally Total Fitness, before heading upstairs for a run!

WHO FUCKING DOES THAT SHIT?

An addict does.

It's a disease. It's a mental illness.

Now my obsession is bike racing. Criteriums and Cyclocross races are the closest I can get to feeling like I just stuck a syringe full of dope into my vein. Oh, and the Ironman finish? That was a high I will never achieve in this life again, I am pretty sure.

I am certainly a lot better off with my addiction to racing than when I was on heroin, obviously. The fact is that my addiction and my "ism's" all remain intact. My friends in AA and NA (THEIR obsession) are all spiritually better off than me and their addiction lay dormant.

I got an email from Selene Yeager at Bicycling Magazine. She's working on an article for Women's Health Magazine on addiction and exercise.

"The editors at WH are fans of Miles and Madness; and I'm sure our readers would be inspired by what you have to say. Would you be game for an interview for this feature?"

I basically shit myself. After a few emails back and forth, we are now very excited about this article. I am honored that she asked me to participate.

Pleasedeargod let me come up with something intelligent to say.