fukitol

after i wrote that post about bike racing, i had a shit bike race wed nite. and it led to a lot of tears, drama at home, and a bunch of anger.

i don't want to race anymore. i am supposed to race another week of the devou park race series but i am done. i was DFL week #1. but i held a wheel. last week i couldn't even hold a fucking wheel. the roads were wet, and i was so unhappy the entire 30 minute race that i flipped off the people cheering for me.

yes, i flipped them off. and i don't care.

i've been shut up in the house ever since that race working 12 hour shifts. i got out early before work a couple of days to ride and think. it gets dangerous when i am alone with my thoughts. i can talk myself into things that you can't even imagine.

i've been fighting with my mom too. she left yesterday for california. my sister flew her out there for her own selfish reasons - to have someone fly back with her kid, who lives here with his dad. my mom doesn't get around that great and i worry about her flying. i work in emergency travel and know all about the horrors of travel. i am pretty sure she wound up stuck in ORD but no one has called to tell me. so i am just going to let my wonderful sister in CA worry about it.

when i fight with my mom, that usually means i fight with dominic. he's such a family oriented guy. he loves his mom and dad like crazy and they love the shit out of him. me and my family aren't like that. my dad left when i was a baby. blah blah blah. i don't give a fuck anymore.

if i didn't have dominic, i swear i would pack up my car with the dogs and my computers and move to AZ.